lesbian nightclub

I went to a lesbian night club in Soho with my date (a woman). It felt really good to be able to be ourselves and not feel self conscious about expressing our sexuality and affection for one another. Occasionally, my date and I would kiss but I noticed that every time we kissed a transwoman was staring at us. “She” wasn’t talking to or interacting with anyone. “She” was just sitting alone in the middle of floor while we (women) were dancing and making out. I stopped kissing because I could see the transwoman was getting off watching us and it felt voyeuristic. Most of all “her” gaze resembled the seedy look men give women. I felt a combination of anger and other indescribable feelings including a sense of powerlessness. This was meant to be a safe space and it would have been if the creepy transwoman hadn’t been there. We shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable in our own spaces.

#unitedkingdom #nightclub #lesbians #malegaze

breast cancer scars & changing in front of men

Three years ago I had a double mastectomy for breast cancer. I chose not to have implants so that future scans for cancer would enable easier detection. I also had nipple sacrificing surgery and so all I am left with is two 20cm scars across my chest. In the last year I have become increasingly concerned about male incursion into women’s changing rooms at day spas, pools and similar areas. While I have had no feelings of embarrassment in the past with women seeing what is left of my chest, I am not about to expose what is left to any male (other than my husband), regardless of how that person self-identifies. While men too can (very rarely) get breast cancer, the alteration to their bodily form is not as drastic as my experience. It is a very private, female-only experience for me and, with self-identification allowed in my state (Queensland, Australia), I am forced to queue to undress or change in a shower or toilet cubicle. Neither of these options is particularly appealing as the floors may be wet and these areas weren’t designed for changing - the change room itself, where the lockers are generally located, is the designated area for changing, but I am unwilling to do that when I may be exposing myself to people who were born male. Some males in the actual changing room may have gender dysphoria, others may be fetishists, and still others may be accessing the space for a dare or laugh. When changing rooms were a female-only space, I felt comfortable, having never experienced anything but empathy and compassion from actual women who have seen my chest. Now, however, I feel exposed, intensely uncomfortable and somewhat unsafe in what have become, effectively, unisex changing rooms, and in being forced to use less hygienic spaces (toilet cubicles) in order to undress and change. Even if the males identifying as females in such rooms have no ill intentions towards me, I still do not wish to have to share that space with them.

#australia #queensland #privacy #support #changingrooms #nudity #breastcancer

sexual assault in a de facto mixed-sex bathroom

Several years ago I used to go to lesbian/gay bars quite a lot. At the time, in the city I lived in there was an accepted norm in gay venues that people of either sex could use either toilet. They weren't officially gender neutral/mixed sex, but they effectively worked that way. One time I was using what was ostensibly the women's toilet and a man came in and barged into the cubicle after me, and sexually assaulted me using his fingers. I vaguely knew him and had always thought he was gay but either he wasn't or sexual attraction isn't always necessary for sexual assault.

When I have tried to say to people that I am uncomfortable with using mixed-sex toilets, they sometimes suggest it is ME that is being sexually inappropriate because it must mean I am obsessed with people's genitals. When I tried to explain to someone that it is different to a toilet in your home because it is a shared public space, I was told that my describing it as public meant it must be ME that wants to barge into cubicles after people.

I never told anyone about what happened to me, especially not in the context of this debate, because I feel pretty sure that a lot of people would think I was 'weaponising' my experience or even lying, or they might not really care what happened to me compared to the feelings of men who want to use toilets with women.

#unitedkingdom #publictoilets #bathrooms #sexualassault #trauma #safety